Day 100

We have made it 100 days into this deployment. I feel the size of that time as well as it’s insignificance on the scope of the timeline of our life together. 

Still I feel it in the loss of your smell in a T-Shirt you left on the floor from the night before. I feel it in the small rearrangements of our kitchen to accommodate my own needs rather than ours. I feel it in the contents of our fridge filled with foods of which you disapprove.

I feel it in the constant stretch of my heart as it pants to hold on to our love, our marriage, the intimacy of our conversations. I feel it in the grains of sand drifting from between my clasped fists as I try to hold on to this time with our daughter yet quickly get to that still too distant day of homecoming. 

I fill it in the inches she has grown since you could cradle her in one arm, cup her head in one hand. I feel it in the grasp of her mind as she becomes more and more aware there is a world surrounding her. 

I have survived 100 days without your nearness. I told you I would wait for you. 100 days, 1000, an eternity. Perhaps this is my Atlas moment but it is a weight I willingly bear for the promise however far of holding you within my arms again.

Here’s to 100 more. 

A Soldier’s Wife

If Anyone Else Were To Love You

In all the world I do not believe a woman could love you as I do.

She couldn’t see all the amazing things that I see even if she tried to.

But if anyone else were to love you

Here are the things I’d hope she knew.

 
The way your life shines through your eyes, how I knew you were kind.

The uniqueness of the clever workings of your mind

When we debate back and forth when our views don’t align

And the way you could let me be myself with you and unwind.

 

The strength of your heart as you carry the weight of the worries of the ones you love

The constant assurance you give us as you perform any task we think of

And the way you ask for nothing in return from us or from above

Taking on cares that would break the wills of some.

 
The timbre of your laughter when you are genuinely happy

And how it carries on the wind to mingle with the spirits freely

How it captures everyone in its swath making somebodies of perceived nobodies

It’s vibrations resonating under your skin with subtle sensuality.

 
And the gentle pressure of your hands as they traced the lines of my body

Delving past the barriers I had erected so carefully

Of my emotions, my ability to relate, not just my physicality

You unlocked so much more when you moved that night to kiss me.
I hope she’d know how deeply you deserve to be loved by anyone

That if she cannot commit to a lifetime of holding you in the sun

She does not deserve you, she has no right to leave you undone

Because of all the men in the world you most deserve to be truly loved.

We Are Infinite

I see eternity within your eyes

When you stare back into mine

Through my soul to the end of time

To where the gods are said to shine

When prayers are offered to their shrines

And you and I don’t need to find

Absolution, we have discovered in kind

Our salvation through each other’s minds

Delicate balances as we attempt to align

distance and affection, marriage defined

Anew for this moment of mankind’s design

Our commitments to country but disinclined

To prioritize wars of rich men’s asinine

Beliefs (see: portfolios) but beyond serpentine

Leaders we gather our courage and combined

We are unstoppable, indivisible, winding vines

On the scale of an infidimensional timeline.
I love you.

I know you love me

I know you love me in the way your eyes brighten as we debate

I know you love me in the way you bury your face in my neck.

I know you love me in the way you never falter to tell me “I love you”

And I know you love me by the curve of your smile

When your eyes meet mine and our hands entwine.

When you encircle my waist and twirl me around

The kitchen in our socks not even to sound.

When you rise out of bed each early morning

And try to leave without waking my snoring

But I called you back whenever I felt your absence 

Beside me and demanded my good morning goodbye kiss.

I know you love me by the strength of your actions,

Your daily commitment, your outward affections.

I know you love me so I sleep soundly in knowing,

My husband, soulmate, best friend, our love will keep growing.

Fire

Smoldering intensity unchecked by the smothering imminence of you

Red hot skin burning the prints from my fingertips

Distorting my identity and erasing all reality.
You are the only man I will ever love.
Caressing tenderly my cheek, my body, the fragile pieces of my broken psyche

Slowly mending me from inside out with practiced delicacy 

Until I feel human again and the icy throne I sat upon melts away and I fall into your arms.
I fell in love from day one.
Laughing gleefully at shared jokes and your endless gaiety

Humor filled goodness leeching into the dark

Dragging me from the ledge of my depression.
You gave me a life again.
Hungry eyes starving for the sight of you never satiated no matter how long

Longing for your touch the way you stroked my hair in the blackness of the night

The way you held my hand during car rides.
You ignite the tender of my heart.

I Needed You Today

Today was hard. I wish every letter or poem I wrote to you could be full of encouragement and hope for the day you come home and most days I do feel those things. But not today. Today I cried. Today I broke down. Today I was weak. Today I needed you.

Our daughter is teething and the rice cereal the doctor recommended gave her gas. She fought sleep, she refused to breastfeed, I felt like a failure of a mother. I thought, if only you were home, maybe something you would have done could have helped her. 

I always believed you would be a better parent than me. And now you are thousands of miles away, the more nurturing of the two of us, and I am the one solo parenting. I don’t know what I’m doing but I do it because there is no alternative. Our daughter needs me to forge on. So I push past the tears, the stress, the doubt, the loneliness and I find myself at the close of yet another day without you by my side.

I am tired today. My back aches from rocking her for hours. My head is pounding from the screaming. And my heart is heavy with the awakened ache for my partner, my help mate, my refuge. 

Today I failed you, this deployment, and our daughter. But tomorrow is a new day and I will try, try, and try to do better, to be the strong woman you both need me to be. Because I know a strong support system at home can keep you safe. 

I miss you a thousand times over. I just can’t wait until you are home again.

A Soldier’s Wife

Remembering Myself Next to You 

Three months apart from the love of my life may not seem like eternity from the outside and the countdowns, the lonely evenings, the barrage of consoling quotes hyperbolicly excessive. But rest assured this separation is the most difficult thing in my life right now. We know the measure of this sacrifice. The length between us is measured in our longing. The space between when last we touched and the promise of kisses to come. 

And when I saw you walk away on the dawning of the last day I felt truly alive I had to quell the swell of pain, the stretch of agonizing apartness we have never truly known. I still suppress it because it is overbearing to let myself feel the scope of how much I truly miss you. 

And now all I have is the memory of warmth on my skin, blood flushing my cheeks, and the quick beating of my heart. I am cold without you. In stasis. Waiting for the light you emit to thaw the freezing of my veins, my brain, my momentum. 

Because I cannot allow myself to be the person without you that I am with you. That person feels with too much open, raw affection to survive cut open without protection. But I can remember the person I am when I am with you and revive her on that distant day of homecoming when you resuscitate the stillness, bring alive my passion, the life that thumps beneath my chest. When two souls mated are reunited the world will come awake again and I will find restored the pieces of my whole.

Happy Birthday!

I hope you know how much I love you and wish I could be with you to celebrate this day. My hope for this birthday is that you find some time to relax, to clear your mind and center your thoughts, to realize where you want to be when your next birthday rolls around. 

My gift to you, hopefully, is peace of mind that I will care for your daughter, that I will cherish our marriage from thousands of miles away, and that I will protect your trust.

Know that I will think of you all day, treasuring the memories of your birthdays passed and anticipating the joys of birthdays to come. 

I love you. Happy birthday, from your soulmate halfway across the world.

A Soldier’s Wife

Forgive Me, I’m a Military Wife

Some days I will be a bear to bear.

 

I cannot promise to be on time

Every day of the week or any day of the week

Because I am a military wife.

 

I cannot promise to look put together

Every day of the week or any day of the week

Because I am a military wife.

 

I cannot promise to participate in every work event

Every day of the week or any day of the week

Because I am a military wife.

 

I will not promise to be a model wife, mother, or employee

Because I am a military wife

Because every morning I struggle to get out of bed

And face a world where I have to stand on my own

As a mother, as a husbandless wife, as a working woman just trying to get by

Where there are nights I do not eat dinner

Trying to rock my daughter to sleep

And I stay up after long hours of swaying and singing and shushing

Back bent, hair frizzed, clothing stained, weeping

Head throbbing through the night as she eats an hour at a time three times through the night

And I find spaces of sleep between her needs

Between times of insomniac manic worrying if my husband will come home:

 

Is he safe? Is he safe? Is he safe?

 

Heart racing, anxiety attacks building, body missing the security of my other half.

 

Because I am a military wife

And I too make a sacrifice.